The Cern Collider apocalypse has passed and at first I thought everything was the same and that no portals had been opened until one of my freelance reporters for Ohioartist.com called my cell phone. She was breathless and I could make out about one out of three of her words. Steve…..Van Halen….Mnt Rockmore wtf…fucking sweeny…South Dakota.
“Hold up..slow down…take a deep breath…in through the nose out through the mouth.” I said sternly but with my ever present zenness oozing out she did as I asked.
What followed was a mind bending, time warping, portal opening tale of musical madness.
She implored me not to use her name in the bi line because there are dark forces at play that tried to cover up this magical musical that took place in the summer of 2021.In the Black Hills near Keystone, South Dakota is a monument but it isn’t the one we all grew up with. I can’t explain but as my accompanying picture shows instead of former U.S. presidents Sculptor Gutzon Borglum, sculpted Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon, Jerry Garcia, and Robert Johnson in their place. He called it Mount Rockmore,
There are large deposits of quartz and other types of crystals that make the place a hotbed of paranormal activity and tourists routinely post videos where guitars can be heard to gently weep in the stillness of the witching hour.
I am still trying to uncover all the details and to verify my reporters sources but so far no one will go on record. This is what I can report at this hour. There is a title given to the greatest living guitar player and one must be chosen quickly after the passing of current title holder. Eddie Van Halen had been bestowed this honor sometime before the turn of the century. I know I know..Eric Clapton, Jimmy Page,Yngwie Malmsteen, that guy who wears a bucket on his head…they were not happy with the choice but once the guitar has been pulled from the rock(weird huh..like excalibur and king Author) the decision is final.
Eddie Van Halen passed away in October of 2020 and with Covid going on things were in flux and the darkness started to close in. Balance between the light and darkness can only be achieved when the Golden Axe is in being played by the hands of the G..Goat…I didn’t stutter that’s the Greatest Guitarist of all Time.
The call went out and musicians from all over the world tried to find their way to South Dakota.Details are spotty and rumors are flying around like Tony Casa Of Zoo Tripping at a midnight show. Fast furious and full of piss and vinegar. Its hard to tell whats real and whats imagined.
Just like Tony. (Said with much love and respect)
So while I sort through all of the rumor mill madness I wanted to at least give my fellow Buckeyes some good news. Many of us feel the pain losing, of generational curses in this factory of sadness. Yet we are blessed with the best festival scene in America, nae, the world, in large part due to the band Ekoostik Hookah and the magic they pull out of their hats time after time. They have taught the younger bands the way and even if some of their lessons are ignored they still taught the right things.
I tried to get an interview with the elusive one; he who melts faces , towering above us like Godzilla and we are the japanese workers who stand in awe and admiration of his life giving guitar hero lunacy.
It is my great honor to report to you all that Mr. Steve Effing Sweeny, was indeed the one to pull the Golden Axe (It is Golden in name only because the elders agreed to change it to the favorite guitar of the previous GGoat.) from the rock. As a lightning bolt struck the ground Steve pulled the guitar from the rock and held it about his head. I can’t say for sure but Im told he could be seen with a tear glinting in his eye. Jack White could be seen pouting in the corner. The Edge from U2 was as dull as a butter knife afterwards. I will report more on the after party if I can get Johnny Depp to share some of the details. He allegedly had a shin dig in the black hills spending all of the money he won in the defamation suit on cocaine, strippers, and lawyers. Charlie Sheen kicked in 10,000 and declined to be interviewed however he did ask me for the number of a girl he had met there and had not given into his charm. Unaccustomed to girls with such high standards he made it his mission to track her down. All he had to go on were one dreadlock he managed to cut off, one white Nike high top that looked like a mans shoe he said, and hot dogs. She left about 15 smelly ass hotdogs in the back of his mercedes. It didn’t ring a bell I told him but I said I would ask around and see what I could come up with.
So there you have it folks. Steve Effing Sweeny is the GGoat. The Mandella effects are in effect, and keep an eye out for a girl missing a dred lock and one shoe. Im thankful to each of you who take the time to read something I write. This is just something to help you smile, to raise your vibrations to levels and to keep them there. Laughter is a great medicine. And I hope this at least made you chuckle. Be well my friends.